Updated: Feb 15, 2021
It is easy in the first stages of the relationship, to be so taken over by all the excitement we feel from the chemicals released in our brain, that we forget everything around us,
All we want is to be with the person who has the "power" to makes us feel the most important person in the world.
It feels like all you need is each other and nothing else.
This is all great , but after the relationship starts to develop, to its new stages , things can change.
The almost symbiotic connection we felt in the beginning starts to wear off around 12- 15 months.
In this new stage, it is normal to feel a need to differentiate ourselves.
We start once again to feel the need to do and to exist beyond the symbiotic stage.
There is nothing wrong with that.
It is a natural order of life, that is the way we preserve our essence.
Relationships has its stages and its course, that is how it is suppose to be.
The problem is , not all of us are emotional grounded enough to move though all the changes smoothly .
The individual who doesn't have a strong sense of self , can easily get sucked in the symbiotic state.
The less sense of self value, self love, and self identity we have the harder it is.
For those, instead of seen this new stage as a opportunity to grow together embracing their uniqueness,
they feel a strong sense of abandonment, insecurity and fear of loosing the person they are attached to.
That is when the problems begin...
Relating from a point of lacking:
When someone doesn't practice self love and doesn't develop a strong sense of self, before entering a relationship, they approach it from a point of lacking.
That makes them believe they need someone to feel complete , fulfilled , happy.
They unconsciously bring this energy and expectations to the relationship.
They either behave in a way to make their partner responsible to give them what they are emotionally lacking, or they try to become everything they believe the other person need in order not leave.
The problem with that is , in the process of doing that , they loose their identity ,their voice.
They have a hard time establishing emotional boundaries resulting in resentment for giving too much and not having what was expected in return .
In this case , the longer they stay, the more is the sense of emptiness and loneliness in the relationship.
More they loose their already fragile sense of self love and self value and
become more and more insecure.
It is easy to become clinging , needy , and demanding of constant attention, others withdraw to avoid more pain and can become passive aggressive in the relationship.
Usually the more they do that, the more they push the partner away.
For the partner , having the responsibility to make the other person happy and fulfilled end up being too much . For them it feels like , no matter how hard they try it is never enough.
so they usually end up either emotionally checking out of the relationship of becoming hostile .
The consequences for such dynamic takes a toll in the relationship because it breaks the connection ,build up resentment and dissatisfaction in both parts.
In one side , one is is never fulfilled ,
while te obter has the constant feeling that they can never be good enough .
What to do??
The key is to work on building your sense of self value, self love, your sense of identity.
That only comes from knowing ourselves.
Counseling/coaching can help with that, but little steps can speed up and initiate the process, like:
spending time with your self, can be hard in the beginning but it get easier.
find things that makes you happy and fill your soul ( do them often)
journal our thoughts and feelings
time with friends
volunteering for a cause that moves you
When we are grounded on those principals we withstand the changes in life, we find purpose no matter if are in a relationship or not.
We don't have the need to please someone to the detriment of our self, we don't need to become who we are not in order to feel worthy of love.
We also don't have the need to cling and beg someone for their attention because we understand that the fact they are not ready or willing to give , has nothing to do with our sense of worth. that give us the power to choose to wait or move on.
We understand that when someone comes into our life, is to add to what we already are , and not to make us be .
When we go into a relationship from a point of wholeness and not lack, the other person is free to also be themselves, without the pressure to be responsible for making us feel fulfilled.
The relationship is fluid, is organic, it is easy to be in, it's free from pressure.
It is a constant discovery of two individuals, who know they don't need each other to be happy , but still choose to be together and share their happiness.Free of resentment, for giving too much, Free of guilt for not giving enough.